Before You Judge a Behavior, Ask This First

It’s so common to hear certain behaviors described as “bad.” Maybe someone says, “You just need to stop doing that,” or “That’s a terrible habit—you’ve got to cut it out.” And maybe, at some point in your life, you’ve tried to stop one of those “bad” behaviors. You really put in the effort. You made a plan, set intentions, and told yourself you wouldn’t go back. But somehow, despite all that effort… the behavior kept showing up.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And there might be a good reason for it.

Sometimes, behaviors that seem irrational or self-sabotaging from the outside are actually meeting a need. They serve a function. And unless we understand what that need is, we’re likely to stay stuck in the same loop—shaming ourselves for something that, in its own way, has been trying to help us cope, survive, or feel better.

Rather than immediately trying to eliminate the behavior, it can be far more effective to pause and ask: What purpose is this behavior serving in my life? When we get curious about the function behind the action, we can begin to meet that underlying need in a way that’s better aligned with our values—something that supports who we truly want to be.

And often, when that happens, the behavior naturally begins to fade on its own. Not because we forced it out, but because it’s no longer needed in the same way.

This isn’t just about how we treat ourselves—it shows up in parenting too. When our children act out or say something upsetting, our first instinct might be frustration, correction, or even anger. But what if we paused and asked, What is this behavior trying to express? What does my child need right now? From that place of understanding, we can gently guide and redirect them—modeling a kind of compassion and curiosity that teaches them they are more than their behavior.

When we take this approach, we reinforce the idea (in both ourselves and our children) that: “I’m not doing this because I’m a bad person. If I’m acting in ways that don’t feel like me, it’s worth pausing, understanding why, and finding another way.”

So the next time a “bad” behavior pops up—whether it’s yours or someone else’s—consider holding back judgment. Get to know the iceberg underneath. And instead of trying to extinguish the fire with brute force, consider what that fire might be warming, protecting, or illuminating.

Real change doesn’t come from shame—it comes from understanding.